Staying on course

I had one on Friday. An epiphany.

I realised that I love my body. I really, really do. I love my body not in a I’m-trying-to-convince-myself type of love but a I-really-really-love-my-body type of love.

How did this come about you ask?

When I signed up for more training sessions with J, the Devil in Disguise, I negotiated 2 free nutrition sessions with the gym’s health centre. So I sat down with Mr Nutritionist to discuss my eating and my goals.

Mr Nutritionist: How much weight do you want to lose?

Me: Ummm … maybe 5 pounds but that’s not really important

Mr Nutritionist: Okay, so what dress size are you aiming for?

Me: Actually, I’m pretty happy where I am at the moment. I’m more focused on being healthy and aware of what I’m putting into my body. I’d like my body fat % to go down but otherwise, I’m happy with where I am.

Yes, that’s right. I’m happy with where I am. Impressive. Me, the weak, body conscious girl is happy with where she is. There’s always room for improvement, but my improvement is not focused on a lower number or a smaller size, it’s focused on being healthy.

Wow.

I said it so casually that it didn’t actually sink in until yesterday. Yes, he gave me a program and I’m following it as best I can just because I know that I wasn’t getting enough protein and fibre, but it’s not a weight loss thing (aka ‘diet’) and it’s not because I’m ashamed of myself. I have a strong body and I want to fuel it as best I can.

This is a huge thing for me. My mother, bless her soul, is from the generation where you’re on a constant diet. Every weekend she talks about how ‘bad’ she’s been and how she has to get back on track on Monday. She’s always trying to lose those last 10 lbs and denying herself. There’s always a body part to conceal and be ashamed of. This is the household I grew up in – a mother who hated exercising so controlled her body through food. She tried the meal replacements, the soup diet, the cabbage diet, eating grapefruit, low-carb, no-carb and throughout, tiny, tiny portions and then binging on ‘forbidden food’ only to start another diet the next week. She tried Jenny (hated the food), Weight Watchers (took too long), SureSlim (worked but omg, turned her into a food nazi and a bird with all those frigging seeds). She has a myriad of food intolerances (real unfortunately) which cause her to break out in eczema if she tastes fruit or milk and I’m convinced it’s got to do with her love-hate relationship with food her whole life.

For me to get where I am now is a huge thing and I’m so proud of myself.