And so it starts
Yesterday was my last day in the office. I tied up all my loose ends, I briefed the people I could and I cleaned up my office. I went out for lunch and shock horror! I had a glass of wine at lunch. I also spent the entire day tearing up at the thought of saying goodbye to everyone.
I know that there are some people that I will never see or think of again. Not because we didn’t get along but because they were simply work colleagues. There are other people I’ll have in my life for a long time to come – maybe a handful of them. They are amazing people. They are the people who made it so easy to settle in here and they’re part of the reason I’m teary and sad to say goodbye.
I went out for dinner last night with a friend who can’t come out for my last hurrah drinks tonight. We laughed over wine and chowder and pasta. We commiserated about work issues and colleagues and frustrations. We talked about relationships and friendships. We both cried when it came to say goodbye. But this is not goodbye for good. We WILL keep in touch – she’s coming to the wedding next year and I’m sure there’ll be a wedding on her end shortly after that which I will fly back here for in a heartbeat. But it’s still tough to realise that this was “see ya” for a while.
Right now I’m sitting in bed, contemplating showering and then packing and cleaning. My apartment is very empty – all I have is a couch, a tv, my mattress and a bedside table – none of which I’m taking with me. If my super will help me on Sunday, I’ll take all this down to the curb and leave it. Some enterprising souls will enjoy them. My cable and internet have been shut off (I’m stealing someone else’s internet right now … ssshhhhhhh)
But it’s quite depressing in an empty apartment. I don’t recommend it.
A serious case of deja vu
September 2007.
I was looking around a nearly empty apartment, selling my stuff, packing the rest either for storage or to take with me. I had my list and I was checking it twice (wait, now I sound like Santa) and trying to ignore the fact that soon I would be halfway across the world knowing only one person (who I would be living with) and starting a whole new life.
September 2009.
See above (minus the packing for storage – nothing is being stored this time!).
It’s a weird feeling, this deja vu. This I’m-sure-I’ve-done-this-exact-thing-before thing. Except this time I know that I’m not coming back here to live again and the next visit will be a while away. Last time, I knew nothing about my life to be – other than a couch I was going to crash on and a job I had lined up. I had no idea whether I would like it or even survive my first winter. I know my parents thought I’d be back in Melbourne in 6 months.
I can’t remember how I felt really before I left. If I felt this overwhelmed by everything that needed to be done but I don’t think so. Last time I had my family around me. I didn’t have to think of everything. Whatever I didn’t take with me, got stored so I didn’t have to worry about getting rid of it. But I also think I erased the memory of the stress from my mind.
In fact, I had more stress and fewer ways to deal. I had to transition my role to a new person and walk away – this time I’m going freelance the day after I “leave” the job on Thursday so other than not working in the office, the job stays the same. I wasn’t eating well or exercising very much (other than walking) so I didn’t have that release. I’m using this to help me in a big way.
I think it’s too easy to let healthy eating and exercise fall by the wayside when you’re going through something stressful but it does really help. Sometimes making the time to go exercise helps in itself and then the endorphin release helps even more. I’m one to eat from stress and last week I realised that eating crap was only making me feel more like crap. So I bit the bullet and went grocery shopping. If I end up having stuff left over, so be it. And you know what? I feel a ton better for it.
Come October I’ll be a resident in a whole new country (country #4 for those counting). I wonder what I’ll be doing in September 2012?
Cutting ties
GAP believes I should move on. They think that I’ve been stuck in a rut and I should embrace change and cut ties to what I think suits me and try new things. How do I know this?
They’ve discontinued my favourite line of jeans. You know, the go-to jeans that suit me no matter what size I am. The jeans I go to work in and go out dancing in. The jeans I live in.
They’re gone. Replaced by unflattering “Boyfriend Jeans” or unflattering “Sexy Boot” or “Perfect Boot”. I’m being encourage to try the “Long and Lean” when I am by no means long nor lean. I miss the wide leg of the Essential jeans. The flattering cut, the awesome wash.
Today I’m going to search high and low for any left-overs before I sigh and move on like GAP thinks I should. Why on EARTH would they discontinue my jeans otherwise? Obviously I’m too set in my ways and if I don’t fit into their new jeans, I either need to undergo plastic surgery to do so or, in a cheaper option, search for new jeans. But we all know the pain of jeans shopping. This will be no easy task.
I’m sad that GAP doesn’t approve of my jeans choice and thinks my life is too staid and boring and needs a change. Obviously moving halfway across the world is not enough.
Stuck in a moment
Whinge for the day: I slept SO badly last night. I was tired but restless, which is a feeling I’m getting a lot lately. I got into bed at about 11 and thought I’d pass out but no. No, instead my eyes popped open and all the things I have to do came tumbling through my head and I’M AWAKE! Eventually, I feel asleep, only to wake up again at 3am for about an hour. Tons of fun that.
BUT I’m not letting that get me down because today is a GOOD day. Why, you ask? Well, I’m going to see U2 in concert that’s why!
This is something that came completely out of nowhere. Yesterday, I was quietly working away when an email came through from one of the bookclub girls, saying her colleague had tickets he was selling and was anyone interested. I hesitated for oh a MINUTE before emailing PICK ME PICK ME PICK ME. True, I have a TON to get done – both workwise and packing-wise but honestly people, this is U2! They are awesome performers and entertainers and their music ROCKS (even if it has become a little easy listening). I had to jump at the chance. And really, I don’t want to be stuck in my apartment every night of the week, looking at the pile of STUFF. That’s just wrong.
So tonight I am going to sing my heart out and revel in the fun of a sure to be awesome concert and great last-minute opportunity 
Taking control one chocolate chip cookie at a time
Today we had a company-wide meeting. Company-wide meetings are known for a number of things:
- Taking a LOT of time, which can be good when you’re bored and not so good when you’re busy
- Either numbers being tossed around or ‘engagement’ type activities
- Supply of coffee and cookies
It’s the last one that usually gets people there and usually trips me up. The cookies are heavenly chocolate chip or chocolate and macadamia cookies. They’re yummy and full of sugary-goodness which, combined with a coffee, can be the difference between surviving a meeting and going stir-crazy. I usually grab two. Cookies, not cofffees – two coffees would mean I’d be bouncing off the walls for days.
But last night, as I looked in the gym mirrors, I realised that no amount of ‘rationalising’ could deny that I have gone soft. I have lost all definition in my waist and I have gained fat. It’s not the jeans. It’s not the angle. I am not bloated and I have not recently eaten. This is all me and it’s not what I like to see or feel.
So from last night, I stopped with the rationalising and the excuses. Just because I am leaving in 2 weeks (well, less now) does not mean I have to slack on the food. Just because I have a ton of farewell drinks and lunches and dinners does not mean I *have* to make bad choices. I can do all this stuff and still be healthy. Still feel good when I get up in the morning.
So today, I had a plan. I got to work and bought some oatmeal from the cafeteria for breakfast and I bought an apple. Ten minutes before the meeting I ate my apple so when I went to the meeting, all I grabbed was a coffee and I walked right past the cookies. I ignored them and I survived the meeting (okay, I left halfway through but that was only because I needed the washroom from the coffee and I couldn’t see the screen because I left my glasses in my office).
Tonight, after I (hopefully) sell my laptop, I’m going to hit the gym. I’m also going to buy some groceries and while I will keep them to a minimum since I’m only in my apartment for another week and a bit, I will be healthy. Because I feel better when I’m healthy.
Letting go of memories
It’s natural to mythologize memories, especially good ones. They become the BEST events EVER, the BEST friends, the MOST fun. The further away we are from the events or people, sometimes the more mythologized they become. When something happens to remind you that they weren’t actually that great, it can be really depressing. You would think that after experiencing it once, you would learn not to do it again but obviously I am a sucker for punishment.
When I was 15, my family moved from South Africa to Australia. At the time, I hadn’t been entirely happy at school – I had gone through a 3 month period where my “friends” decided not to talk to me at all, which made for very lonely days. I had pestered my parents to let me change schools and I had just been accepted into a new private school for the new school year. And then we moved and I was not impressed. But within weeks of moving, suddenly I missed my “amazing” friends (if by amazing I mean bitchy and obnoxious) and I’d NEVER find friends like that again (which my mother was probably ecstatic about) and my life was terrible. We planned a trip back to South Africa at the end of the year and I spent the year looking forward to it and building it up.
Needless to say, it was a disaster. My friends were excited to see me for about a day and then I became a third wheel. The intervening year had changed me – I had experienced life beyond the school and neighbourhood they “owned” and I suddenly realised how screwed up my life had been. I realised that they had not been such awesome friends at all. That trip allowed me to move on completely and settle into my new life.
And now I’m experiencing that again. Not with my friends here – they’re being great. It’s with my friends in Melbourne and it’s strange because I LEFT Melbourne because I knew I was stagnating with my social life and work life, so inherently I knew that my friends were not great, with the exception of one or two. I knew this and still it seems I mythologized them to some extent and now I’m coming up for air.
I sent out an evite for my engagement party a few weeks ago. My parents are throwing one for us and they’re very excited. So I sent out the evite, giving people plenty of notice. Half have responded positively, some haven’t responded at all and some have responded very weirdly. A sample response which I got today:
“I may have other plans but if the weather is bad, I’ll be there”
Gee thanks! I SO appreciate that I’m obviously second choice depending on the weather. Should I praying for terrible weather? Thunderstorms? I know she didn’t intend for that to be my reaction but still. Surely there are times when friends ENGAGEMENTS should trump or being tactful should trump telling the absolute truth? Honestly, I would have preferred “I’m not able to make it that day, could I see you the day before?” instead of feeling like I am an obvious second choice.
But the more and more I think about it, the less it surprises me. I remind myself that a lot of the people I was friends with were friends through friends and really, how much did I honestly think of them while I was here? It’s a good lesson in letting go of the memories and remembering the reality. Instead of highlighting the laughs and fun times only, remember those plus the times when we didn’t get along or we didn’t see each other for weeks. Remember that and it won’t hurt so much.
Time ticking on
We’re at T-minus 19 days until I fly out of Canada and make my way back Down Under and boy, is it slowly beginning to overwhelm me.
I’m at that weird stage where I’m half burying my head in the sand and living the surreal life of ignoring that in less than 3 weeks I’ll be outta here for good. Then the other half of me is hyper-aware of what’s coming up and I just want to BE there. So I’m getting rid of things here and planning what I need there.
I’m inherently an impatient person. I think I may have mentioned that before. A few times. Because, well, it’s true. I.AM.NOT.PATIENT. So this slowly transitioning thing? Not my favourite part of this process. At this stage of the game, I just want to be leaving already but I don’t want to leave at the same time. I’m going to miss the interaction of the office on a day-to-day basis and the friends I’ve made here. Thinking about the changes that are coming is overwhelming, mainly because there’s nothing I can do about it until I get there. I can obsess about plan how I (and by extension, we) can make the whole move easier. I want to be able to control this whole thing and I can’t. There I am again with the patience thing.
I need some advice though – going into this whole freelance thing, I’m concerned that I’ll be working from a small apartment and there’s no space for a separate work area really. My issue is that my work day will end up being 24/7 instead of a typical 8 hour day. Now I know that’s an issue with working freelance and it’s one of the benefits in some way in that I can dictate my hours and work around what I need to get done. BUT I don’t want to be WORKING all the time and not “switch off”.
My question (after that rambling) is for those of you who do work freelance or from home – how do you do it? Do you have a separate office? Do you rent a space? How do you motivate to work instead of clean or do STUFF?
Advice? Thoughts? Rants of your own?
Survivor guilt
It’s a well known phenomenon when someone survives a situation or event and others don’t. They say DJ AM had it from the plane crash he survived last year. They use it to describe how people feel when they’ve survived a bunch of lay-offs at work and their friends haven’t been so lucky.
I feel it at times. I feel it now.
Not because I’ve survived a tragic event or my friends have been laid-off. No, I’m feeling it because I’m not in debt and I’m not majorly effected by the recession (yet). I feel it because I’ve been able to live comfortably in a nice apartment, in a nice side of town without worrying too much about where my next meal is coming from or how I’m going to pay my rent. I’ve been able to shop when I want and know that I have money if I need it. I’m not an extravagant person and I don’t live beyond my means – never have – and I watch my friends spend money and then worry about groceries and I feel guilty that it’s not me.
Planning a wedding in the whole recession atmosphere is fraught with pitfalls. Everyone’s talking about how to economise – how they managed to put on a wedding with few people for very little by making all the clothes or renting a school gym and picking wild flowers and having an iPod for the music. They talk about this so proudly and I sit there feeling guilty because that’s not the wedding I want.
I don’t need the huge wedding and the ballgowns either, don’t get me wrong. I don’t want a wedding with 350+ of my closest friends where I’ve spent $10 000 on a dress I’ll wear once. But at the same time, I don’t want a garden wedding with a keg and a BBQ with a dress I found at the discount thrift store. I want to feel special. I want to wear a wedding dress that I’ll never wear again. I want to celebrate properly.
I know it’s a lot of money to spend on one day and financially, it doesn’t make sense. But I want it and I feel guilty for wanting it. When there are people who are losing their homes and losing their livelyhoods, here I am wanting to spend a small fortune on one day. It seems ridiculous and so I feel the guilt. I know I’m being silly (or maybe I’m not). But I don’t want to regret the decisions I make for this wedding. I don’t want to compromise everything away. I don’t need the fancy schmancy stuff but I don’t want to minimise the day to such an extent that it’s something I don’t enjoy.
Why I need a minder
Yesterday I found myself progressively feeling more and more lethargic and achy as the day went on. I felt weak and dizzy and fuzzy in the head. I realised (after almost passing out at the gym) that perhaps I was sick. This was confirmed when I got home and proceeded to get more achy and headcoldy and headachy. I got into bed at 9:30 (after yelling at my computer for my internet being down) and slept and slept. I then called in sick today.
I slept some more and would have should have continued with this activity EXCEPT
I am a BAD BAD BAD sick person.
I seem to look at calling in sick as a way to be productive when seriously, I only call in sick WHEN I’M TOO SICK TO WORK (which shows my screwed up thinking).
I slept and then I got up, made breakfast, sat down because I felt dizzy, got up, showered, sat down, went out to get some clothes altered and do grocery shopping. And now I feel more like ass than I did before. Seriously, am I an idiot?
I did buy a bottle of Vitamin C to placate my mother who is convinced I’m dying of swine flu. Because she called me last night while I was sleeping and I woke up, answered and was completely incoherent. Which means I’m dying apparently. I also think she jinxed me because on Sunday, she called me and grilled me on how my asthma was, how I was, if I was taking Vitamin C. On Sunday I felt fine. On Monday not so fine. Her fault obviously.
For the rest of the day, I promise to lie in bed, watch movies on my laptop and veg out. Will someone swear to be my minder and yell at me if I get out of bed? Also, we someone make me chicken soup please?
I'm a twenty-something Aussie who was living in Canada and has now moved to New Zealand and trying to be somewhat strong and healthy while I navigate the perils of living with my Boy, freelancing and planning a long-distance wedding without losing my mind. Welcome!
