A need for numbers

I don’t have a scale here. I have a scale making it’s way to New Zealand in a box (which could actually be at my apartment already considering that 3 more boxes arrived today and are waiting for us when we get home tomorrow night) but right now, I have no scale.

Now, I’m not one to be paralysed by the number on the scale. I go through stages of needing to know and other times I couldn’t care less. I haven’t weighed myself since I left Toronto, save for one quick jump on my mother’s scale which is notoriously unreliable. I know that for the last while, my eating and exercise regime has been woefully terrible and I know, from the fit of my clothes, that I’ve gained gained gained.

For the last week or so, I’ve been eating healthy, thinking about my food, getting more exercise. Obviously, I’m not back to where I was when I had a gym and a personal trainer (I miss Joe!) but I’m getting back on track. And while I feel better, I have this strange need to know the number. I need to know if my efforts are working even just a little bit to bring the gain down. And this need for the number puzzles me.

It puzzles me because I can feel the difference when I put on my jeans. I’m sitting here working away, wearing jeans, and I don’t feel like I’m going to explode. This is a good thing. I still obviously have the muffin top thing happening – that’s not going to vanish overnight, as much as I wish it to be. But I feel better and surely that should be enough? SO why do I feel this need to know how close I am to my “happy” weight, why can’t I trust my body to let me know how we’re going?

Yesterday I spent the day working in track pants, a t-shirt that is too big on me, running shoes and a sweatshirt. I felt comfortable but invisible. Walking around the city during the day, I was hidden among the suits and power dressing professionals. At first, it felt good to be so invisible but eventually it got me down. I know that I’m better than a pair of old sweats, so why would I present myself to the world in sweats? So, some additional goals moving forward:

  1. Dress up for the day. Can be in jeans but everything else has to be well put together. Present myself well to the world!
  2. Wear makeup more often again. When I was going into the office, I wore it everyday. Let’s get back there again.

This is in addition to my eat-well-exercise-well goal. I’m on a feel-good-about-myself-again road!


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