Pressure to be perfect

I am a perfectionist. I expect myself to be above so many of the petty things in life. I hold myself to standards that I would never expect anyone else to be held to. So I inevitably disappoint myself when it turns out – shock! horror! – that I’m not perfect and sometimes I screw up or sometimes, things take a little longer to work out.

It’s been almost 3 months since I left Canada. Somehow, in all the time I spent over there, I forgot how tough the first few months were. I forgot about the homesickness and the lonliness when I didn’t have a huge circle of friends. I forgot about the frustration I felt when I didn’t GET how things worked – what numbers to call, where to go to find things, how to work the system. I forgot all that and maybe I thought having the Boy here, I wouldn’t go through it anyway.

But I am going through it. I miss my circle of friends. I miss having people to talk to everyday. I have the Boy but let’s be honest, men and women have different styles of communication and what I miss is having a girlfriend or two to natter with, to share things and discuss. I miss nipping out for a coffee and a chat, or wandering around window shopping. Shopping alone is not as much fun.

And now that I’m working freelance, I don’t have the day-t0-day communication. The Boy gets home and I’m starved for conversation but he’s been talking and training all day so all he wants is to chill. So I struggle a bit. And I also don’t want to be too needy for attention and make him feel like we have to be joined at the hip 24/7 because honestly we don’t. We’d kill each other if we were. Hence I need friends.

And I’m not sure why I’m expecting this to have happened immediately. I knew and I still know that it’s going to take time. I’m doing all the right things to make friends. I’ve joined a writing group, 2 bookclubs, a business meetup (which is yet to meetup). I’m renting an office in a serviced office block to have people to interact with on a daily basis. I’ve joined the gym and I’m starting ZUMBA! tonight (if it’s on – I went on Monday and it was cancelled because the instructor was away).

Maybe I’m just a little low at the moment and I need to embrace the fact that I’m taking a bit of time to settle in. Nothing wrong with that. I knew that this was going to be a big change. I knew it was not going to be easy. I’m not sure why I feel as if I have no right to complain, you know? I feel a little as if I chose this, I should be completely settled and happy. I had people telling me that I was crazy and that it would be tough and so now I feel as if I can’t complain to them at all. I need to put on the happy face all the time to them and reiterate how happy I am. And I am happy in a lot of ways. I love the Boy. We’re happy. We’re negotiating the whole living together (and next door to a kindergarten but that’s anothe post!) and we’re learning about each other. And I love that. I love my new office. I love that I am slowly getting into a routine. I need to focus on the things that I love to mitigate the things that I’m finding tougher.

And I need to give myself permission to complain, permission to feel low and permission to move on.

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4 thoughts on “Pressure to be perfect

  1. I totally know what you mean. I moved to Oz 3 1/2 years ago from USA. I honestly didn’t even settle in for the first 2 1/2 years. I just stuck with fellow americans and didn’t branch out. after a crappy boyfriend I was at rock bottom..with nothing. It took about 6 months and 30lbs gained to finally break free of the depression which was self-inflicted. I think it’s not easy when you move to a place which is new. Defining that social network is hard, but it looks like you’re making the necessary steps to get to where you need to be. Just remember to patient w/ yourself. You’ll get there. The moment that you let go of the pressue of having it all…you will have more than you could have imagined ๐Ÿ™‚ Try have having people over to your house fortnightly…that always helps me.

    • Thank you ๐Ÿ™‚
      I know it’s not easy and I need to give myself the permission to realise that and feel it! Our apartment is tiny but I’m hoping to be able to have people over sometimes, which is a great idea. It’s the meeting people I need to do now!
      Hope your visit home is going well and you’re feeling better!

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