I am a perfectionist. I expect myself to be above so many of the petty things in life. I hold myself to standards that I would never expect anyone else to be held to. So I inevitably disappoint myself when it turns out – shock! horror! – that I’m not perfect and sometimes I screw up or sometimes, things take a little longer to work out.
It’s been almost 3 months since I left Canada. Somehow, in all the time I spent over there, I forgot how tough the first few months were. I forgot about the homesickness and the lonliness when I didn’t have a huge circle of friends. I forgot about the frustration I felt when I didn’t GET how things worked – what numbers to call, where to go to find things, how to work the system. I forgot all that and maybe I thought having the Boy here, I wouldn’t go through it anyway.
But I am going through it. I miss my circle of friends. I miss having people to talk to everyday. I have the Boy but let’s be honest, men and women have different styles of communication and what I miss is having a girlfriend or two to natter with, to share things and discuss. I miss nipping out for a coffee and a chat, or wandering around window shopping. Shopping alone is not as much fun.
And now that I’m working freelance, I don’t have the day-t0-day communication. The Boy gets home and I’m starved for conversation but he’s been talking and training all day so all he wants is to chill. So I struggle a bit. And I also don’t want to be too needy for attention and make him feel like we have to be joined at the hip 24/7 because honestly we don’t. We’d kill each other if we were. Hence I need friends.
And I’m not sure why I’m expecting this to have happened immediately. I knew and I still know that it’s going to take time. I’m doing all the right things to make friends. I’ve joined a writing group, 2 bookclubs, a business meetup (which is yet to meetup). I’m renting an office in a serviced office block to have people to interact with on a daily basis. I’ve joined the gym and I’m starting ZUMBA! tonight (if it’s on – I went on Monday and it was cancelled because the instructor was away).
Maybe I’m just a little low at the moment and I need to embrace the fact that I’m taking a bit of time to settle in. Nothing wrong with that. I knew that this was going to be a big change. I knew it was not going to be easy. I’m not sure why I feel as if I have no right to complain, you know? I feel a little as if I chose this, I should be completely settled and happy. I had people telling me that I was crazy and that it would be tough and so now I feel as if I can’t complain to them at all. I need to put on the happy face all the time to them and reiterate how happy I am. And I am happy in a lot of ways. I love the Boy. We’re happy. We’re negotiating the whole living together (and next door to a kindergarten but that’s anothe post!) and we’re learning about each other. And I love that. I love my new office. I love that I am slowly getting into a routine. I need to focus on the things that I love to mitigate the things that I’m finding tougher.
And I need to give myself permission to complain, permission to feel low and permission to move on.