Avoiding the truth

Since my terrible no-good weekend (see the last post), I’ve been hiding from a glaringly obvious truth. I’ve been putting on the game face and being all FINE and GOOD and SUNSHINE as much as possible. Because to do anything else would be admitting it and if I admit it, it’s true and if it’s true, then I have to face it.

Last night I faced it.

The black hole. The sucky annoying black hole.

Let’s face it together, shall we?

It’s been 4 months since I left Canada. Almost four months since I moved here, to a place where I have no friends, no work colleagues. I have The Boy and his family (lovely) and his friends but he’s not a hugely social being so there aren’t a ton of friends to talk about there. And they’re not my friends yet really, except for one or two. I work alone in my rented office and I can go through entire days not talking to anyone (and here I don’t count myself. I talk to myself all.the.time). The other day I was in a store where the salesgirl was Canadian and she commented on my very Canadian pendant. I was so excited to chat to her but eventually I had to leave, as it was getting embarrassing.

My mother called me while I was walking (my mother has a sixth sense) and I started bawling. But still, I couldn’t face it.

I’m lonely. I’m struggling to make friends, to be social, to feel settled. I feel fine when The Boy is around but as soon as he goes off to work, I feel all at sea. The knot in my stomach tightens, the tears well and I have to fight to stay afloat. It’s been worse this week and it’s already getting easier (no crying today as yet) but it’s hard.

And I knew it would be but I don’t think I allowed myself to really  know, you know? My exercise has been awful because while I know it always makes me feel better, I can’t get the energy or motivation to actually do it. Chocolate has been awesome if by awesome I mean I’m eating it everyday.

But hey, the first step is admitting you have a problem, right? So here goes: I’m falling into the hole but I’m pulling myself out at the same time. I’ll try not to be all whiny all the time but it’s hard. And I’m doing stuff to get myself out. I have bookclub tonight. I have a cooking class next week when The Boy is away for the whole week (you may need to be there for me next week) and I’m breathing.

That’s a start, right?

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12 thoughts on “Avoiding the truth

  1. I’m sorry to hear that you’re having such a rough time 😦 I can’t imagine how it would be without family or friends in a new country. Hang in there, you’re a sweet and outgoing person who is bound to find some good friends soon…*Hugs*

  2. I’m glad that you admitted how you are feeling. I think sometimes it’s much harder to suppress things.

    Hang in there.

    And, by the way, you should have talked to the salesgirl for as long as you wanted to. She is your homegirl after all.

  3. I feel your loneliness …
    If you ever want to email/Skype/ or do other form of technological connection just let me know.
    You can never have too many friends ♥

  4. Aw, Gem, this breaks my heart! Like everyone else said, you will make friends – you’ve already got some social outlets, it’s just going to take a little time to form some attachments. Keep at it though and don’t give up. And remember you always have all of us, right?! There are days when the only satisfying interaction I have all day is through my blog. Hang in there sweetie, it will get better. ((((hugs))))

  5. Sounds like a very good start, to me. 🙂 I’m so glad for you that you have named the issue instead of just white-knuckling your way through it … or deeper into it, more likely. 🙂
    HUGS to you — keep breathing and keep posting!

  6. You are right – the first step is addressing the issue, and it sounds like you are already looking at ways to solve it – by meeting with the book club and taking a new class!

    Meeting people is HARD. You know what? All of my “real life” friends in Chicago are bloggers. I haven’t met anyone besides coworkers and neighbors. It’s just me and my husband.

  7. Been there, done that. Feel your black hole of loneliness.

    First step: get thee to a gym or yoga studio or somewhere. Take a class. Say hello, mention you’re new. You won’t necessarily find a connection in the first class, but keep on going.

    Get involved in 2 or 3 things that feed your passions. Yours. Not The Boys. Find something happening to support them. Take that deep breath and just keep plugging. Eventually, you’ll find your space. But YOUR SPACE is not an isolated island space of your office.

    And when you’re feeling truly sad and isolated- let us know. Even online connections can sometimes help.

  8. I had trouble moving to a new city, I can’t imagine a new country. I can drive 2 hours and bask in the company of old friends. New friends do come (especially at your time of life). Hang in there.

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