I am a terrible person to play trust games with. I hesitate before falling backwards into some waiting friend’s arms, even though I logically know they’re going to catch me. I peak through blindfolds. I second (and third) guess myself and everyone else. I trust no-one.
Not even myself.
I’ve bought into the years and years of self-bashing (and general confidence bashing) when it comes to my ability, or lack thereof, in sport. I loudly proclaim myself to be uncoordinated and useless in all sporting situations, so that nobody expects anything of me. It’s a self-protection scheme that seems to have become somewhat of a self-fulfilling prophecy.
This was really evident yesterday when I went snowboarding. I’ve never hit the snow before – no skiing, no sledding, nada – and when my friend asked what my snowboarding stance was, I had no freaking clue. Was I goofy or normal? Now just what are you asking C? *eye raise* I set the scene for hilarious laughter (at my own expense) and really doubted I get much out of it. Again, setting myself (and C) up for no expectations of any sort of ability whatsoever.
I had a FREAKING blast!
Sure, I fell a lot. My butt aches. My legs are slightly achy (I’m sure they’re be worse later) and I entertained the staff muchly. But you know what? I wasn’t THAT bad – for someone who’s never done this before, I held my own. I laughed at myself but still got up and did it all. I didn’t whimp out or find excuses for my inability to do much.
But every time I found myself aiming for the wall (we were at an indoor place, since technically the season has just started), I’d fall to stop myself, instead of trusting myself to actually steer away and, you know, not hit the wall (literally!). I have yet to master getting my board strapped on while standing up and trusting myself not to fall over. I had C in fits of laughter as I’d strap one foot in and then nervously lift the other foot up and quickly set it down before actually getting it strapped in. This went on for a few minutes before I gave up, sat down on the snow and strapped myself in. Then followed a few attempts at getting up before I mastered that and stuck to this technique for the rest of the morning.
So I have some trust issues to work out between me, myself and I. The three of us need a sit down (on something soft, since my ass hurts from all the falling) and some discussion.
But I’ll be back on the board soon enough. Perhaps next time I’ll actually go for lessons?