I don’t feel pretty right now.
I feel fat and unfit and unattractive.
It’s got nothing to do with how The Boy makes me feel because he’s awesome but I feel unpretty inside. I don’t feel ugly per se but I don’t feel pretty either.
I don’t feel like I deserve to wear nice clothes because when I go to my wardrobe, nothing looks like it should, like it looks in my head. My hips are wider, my belly is there, my chest strains. So my ‘nice’ clothes are no longer nice.
But shopping when the image in your head does not match the image in the mirror is tough on the psyche. Things that actually don’t look bad still don’t excite me because all I see are HIPS and BELLY and BOOBS. I see a body that should not belong to me. I see a body that I thought I’d said goodbye to many years ago.
I see a neglected, sad body and I don’t see the point in dressing it up. So I walk around in comfy pants and loose tops that do nothing for me but at least hide the softness underneath. I look at pretty shoes and clips for my hair because feet don’t grow and hair clips don’t rely on thin or fat. I pull my hair back and I try as hard as I can to make myself feel pretty with jewellery.
But I still don’t feel pretty.
Today I went shopping and I bought more comfy pants and a tank top. I meandered through stores and touched a few things but tried on very little. Eventually, I bought a dress and a skirt and promised myself I will try feel pretty. I know that I will lose these extra kilos and get myself back but in the meantime, I have to try. Because if I don’t try, I’m not going to get myself back. I’m going to sink further into unprettiness and while I’ll have a killer hair clip collection, it’s not going to help me.
Anyone have any tips for me?