Giving the power to fear

July 12, 2009 at 6:46 pm (General life)
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It’s been a weird, lovely, anti-social weekend for me and it’s been good. Good to just be after 3 weeks with my parents; good to be able to think a little.

A lot of my friends keep telling me how crazy and brave I am – brave to move across the world alone once and brave to move across the world again, this time for love. I guess I am brave but you know what? I don’t think I’m crazy. Because if I was crazy, I wouldn’t have any fear at all.

I am scared and nervous and apprehensive. I’m doing all this despite all those fears.

I’m nervous about moving to another country without my family. Yes, they’ll be closer than they are now – a mere 3.5 hour flight instead of 24 hours of flying – but it’s still not as though I can pop over for dinner in the middle of the week. I’m nervous about moving in with Lee – not that I don’t want to, but the natural nerves of living with someone and making their space “our” space. He’s already really settled in the apartment and while I’m looking forward to making it our space, it is a challenge. I’ve never lived with a partner before either, so this is another challenge. We’re really throwing in all the challenges people usually face over the course of a year or longer together – we’re just doing it all together.

I’m scared shitless about freelancing. I’m lucky enough to have one definite project lined up and another 2 possible ones (once I get confirmation from work here) so it’s not as though I’m cast adrift. But I’m scared about the isolation of working alone, since I am such a social being. I know that I’ll find other ways to meet people but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous.

But that’s the thing. I am nervous but I’m taking the leap anyway. Because it’s no life if I let fear rule me. I could easily close my eyes and make excuses why things won’t work but where’s the happiness there?

I can do all that but one thing I am scared about is this mole or thing on my leg. I know I need to get it seen to. I know it’s probably nothing but I’m scared to find out. I used to laugh at people who would prefer to hide their heads in the sand about medical things but now it’s me. I’m staring at The Thing and obsessing about it. I’m imagining it growing in front of my eyes. I imagine it’s hot and itchy and weird and it’s not. I doubt it’s changed for yonks, if at all. But I’m scared and I’m scared to know too. Does that make sense?

Why can I take the big leaps but not the little ones?

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Lazy Saturdays

July 11, 2009 at 1:40 pm (Weekend Recap)
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I woke up this morning to a real old-fashioned thunderstorm and I loved it. Lying in bed on a lazy Saturday morning, listening to the weather ouside be all “no, stay in bed today, relaaaaax” is one of my favourite ways to spend a weekend. I made an executive decision to stay inside today – I bailed on my bookclub meeting and my phone is on silent. I resolve to spend all day at home, in my sweats, pottering around and just being quiet.

After almost 3 weeks of being social with my parents, I’m looking forward to just being. I know it sounds insanely hermit like and now that the sun is peeking out from the clouds, slightly silly, but I’m enjoying it. My laundry is in the dryer downstairs, I’ve been going through all my magazines, transcribing recipes and throwing out junk. I’m reading bits and pieces and considering an afternoon nap too.

Doesn’t that sound lovely?

In other news, I really should get to the doctor. I have a little something on my leg, which I’ve had for years and years but something has been making me a little uncomfortable about it lately. Not sure if it’s changing or if it’s just my paranoia, but last night I had a dream that I woke up and it had taken over my entire leg. Probably a sign that I’m concerned. Time for a doctor’s appointment next week me thinks!

Hope everyone is having an awesome weekend :)

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The countdown begins

July 10, 2009 at 9:55 am (General life, Wedding)
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Last night I clicked through a few links on a website, entered my credit card number and set the course for the next stage of my life.

I’m officially flying to Australia on September 30. It’s done. My Canadian sojourn ends on September 30, 2009, two weeks short of two years since I landed here. If I could have really considered staying away from Lee for an extra two weeks, I may have tried to stay and fly out on the exact date I arrived. But really, those two weeks would have been tough. I’m already counting down from now until I fly out (82 days FYI) so yeah, my patience would not extend to two more weeks.

So now I have my end-date. This is really happening. I mean, I knew it was happening after the whole will-you-marry-me-yes-I-will thing in San Francisco but now I’m definitely leaving. I have a one-way, non-refundable ticket back (which, thanks to the beauty of frequent flyer points, cost me a total of $185 thankyouverymuch).

It’s beginning to really set in and I’m excited. I have 2 possible freelance positions lined up already – one with the company I’m working for here and one with my previous company. I’m working out logistics and getting excited about the control I’ll have. I know that there will be challenges – I’m inherently a social being so the lack of office mates will be tough but I know there are other avenues to being social.

I know the next year and a bit will be insane – working freelance for 2 places, planning a wedding, attending my brother’s wedding, getting settled in a new country, getting used to living in a small apartment with Lee and not killing each other, making new friends etc. But I’m excited.

And also hoping the insanity won’t drive me to embrace chocolate and fries :)

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Combating negative self-talk

July 9, 2009 at 6:38 am (General life)
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We do it everyday. “I’m so stupid to do X” “This sucks …” but have you ever stopped to think that maybe using the negative language makes it worse? I mean, facts are facts – deadlines are insane and weather is not pleasant. But sometimes I think we fall into the negative too easily and without realising it, it brings us further down.

A friend of mine is 2 months into a break-up. The first month I accepted that everything was going to suck, the ex was automatically an asshole, even if I didn’t think he was, and life was terrible. I let her rant and vent and I listened and I sympathised. I tried pointing out that life was not so terrible, that things would look up and that she would get through it, but I realised that she needed to rant and just be listened to.

Now, I’m not sure if that’s the best thing. Everything she writes in her emails is about how things are messed up and life sucks and she’s still reading into every line of every email he sends (they’re sorting out money stuff) about how he’s doing this to her. And I wonder if changing the way she spoke about it would change the way she felt. I know it sounds hokey, but hear me out.

Using a work analogy, we have some insane deadlines coming up. From past experience, I know that our team pulls together and what seems to be crazy and impossible, gets done in the end. By remembering that and focusing on the fact that the deadlines are a challenge but it will get done, we’re able to take each day as it comes and not get overwhelmed. Because, while it’s stressful, we know it will get done.

If we look at things as completely impossible, we’re likely to get discouraged and less motivated to be productive, which makes each challenge more of an obstacle and therefore more impossible. As morale drops, so does productivity and therefore the deadlines become even more impossible. How does the negative help us there?

The same thing happens with losing weight and being healthy. As soon as we introduce things like “I’m so bad …” or “I screwed up so there’s no point”, we create a cycle of negativity and therefore encourage negative patterns. I know it sounds basic, but sometimes just changing your language can influence your brain and therefore break the negative cycle.

Try it on a small scale. The next time you hear yourself being negative, stop mid-sentence. Rephrase it. Make obstacles into challenges and banish the word “bad” from your personal vocabulary. Replace the negative with something positive – even if it’s saying a very similar thing. See if it makes any difference.

I’m trying to get my friend to try it but for her, this is a lifetime to change so I’m going with babysteps.

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An unsent letter

July 8, 2009 at 6:45 am (Family)
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Dear Mom,

How do you do it? How do you manage to make things about you? I ask this honestly because I’m really puzzled about how it happens that one minute I’m upset and explaining why and suddenly I’m apologising to you, when I’m really not sure how I was in the wrong.

Somehow, you manage to turn every discussion into an attack on you personally, without listening to what the other person is saying. You internalise this irrational hurt and blow it up to be something so hurtful to you that you lose sight of what I’m saying. You did this with L and it’s taken you 6 months to realise that hey, maybe you weren’t in the right.

The other night, you noticed I was hurt and you started off by acknowledging that. But as soon as I started explaining that yes, I was hurt and why (and that I realised that you hadn’t intended it), you shut down and made it about you can never say the right thing so you’re keeping quiet. You started sulking and suddenly I was in the wrong. Why? What was wrong with me explaining why I felt hurt? Why did you shut that out and make my explanation into an attack? I was so careful to phrase things – “this is how I feel” and “I realise this was not what you meant but this how I felt” so it wasn’t an attack, and yet there I was, feeling like a fleck of dust for bringing it up.

When you sit there, eyes downcast like I’ve just slapped you and muttering that you’re fine, I feel even worse and I wonder, would you prefer me not to talk to you about how I’m feeling? Would you prefer me to internalise it all and make little snarky comments and be bitter? That seems to be your way of dealing with things which to me seems a little counter-productive.

I’m a sensitive person, I know that, but you take being sensitive to a new level sometimes. I worry that you see the world as against you and you don’t seem to be able to understand where the other person is coming from. I’m sad for you that you internalise it all and I wish I could talk to you about this without it being an attack but I don’t know how. I don’t know how to talk to you and it hurts me.

I know that I can only control my own actions and reactions but I wish you could stop and see my perspective for a bit.

I love you.

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On being supported

July 7, 2009 at 7:52 am (General life, NaBloPoMo)
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This may seem like a very similar vein of post as my previous one, but in fact it’s really different. It’s a bit of a PSA for the ladies, so guys, you may not find this interesting. Or, you may find it very interesting. Whatever floats your boat really.

Ladies, if you have never been professionally fitted for a bra, drop everything and go NOW. Find your local boutique – department stores are not all that great – you may need to seek it out. Go on, google it now. I’ll wait.

This will be one of the best things you’ve ever done, especially if you’ve been losing weight, or gaining weight, or neither. I’m serious. I spent my entire life convinced that I had no access to pretty lacy bras. Bras that made me feel feminine. Bras that I could look at and feel pretty but know that they were completely functional and not bras designed for 12 year olds and just sized up. Because we all know how well those bras fit.

A few months ago I took a friend to get fitted at Secrets from your Sister, a store we have here in Toronto – I found out that she had lost 70 lbs but she was still wearing the same bras. Can you imagine? So we went and while I was there, I got fitted too. I also went broke because those bras are not cheap. But they fit. And once you’ve been fitted, you realise how a bra should really fit and how awful all your old bras are. You get an urge to go home and throw out all your old bras but then you realise that you don’t have enough money to do that. Luckily, you can set up a wishlist and I’m slowly working my way through it.

Last week I took my mother to get fitted. She’s 61 years old and has fluctuated in weight all her life. Three years ago, she had a breast reduction but she’s still fixated on her bra size. I wanted to take her to get fitted properly, to show her that cup size doesn’t matter, but back size is vital. For the first time in her life, she has pretty bras.

On Sunday, I went back for me. I brought some strapless bras (which need alteration because they don’t make them in a 28 back!) and two ADORABLE everyday bras which make me smile when I see them. I also bought something for my mom off her wishlist. I may be a little broker but I feel pretty and supported. My bras make me smile.

And for that, I think everyone should get fitted. Are you wearing the right bra?

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Undoing a life

July 6, 2009 at 7:22 am (General life)
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It’s funny, this whole undoing my life here business. When I moved over here almost two years ago, I had a ton of support helping me move and I had the benefit my my parents’ garage to store anything I wasn’t prepared to take with me. I still brought over a suitcase, a big backpack and four boxes of clothes and linens. The last time I was back there at the beginning of the year, I brought back a bunch of extra things too. The other thing that made things easier was that once my lease ended at my apartment, I just shifted to my old room at my parents’ house.

This time it’s just me. Once I give notice at my apartment, that’s it. I have to be out by the end of September, no lee-way. I have to pack up my life here without any help – I mean, I have friends but no family. Friends are good but I look around my apartment and I feel a little panicked, a little bewildered at where the heck to start. I have all my furniture to get rid of, all my clothes to sort through and pack up, all my books to read and sort through and pack. I have to decide which items I can pack up/sell now and which have to wait until closer to my departure. I have work to hand over. I have work to line up. I have a life to undo and I feel a little untethered.

The other thing is that it’s 3 months to go. Sounds like a lot of time but at the same time it sounds like it’s around the corner. I feel like I’m a little bit in limbo, if that makes sense. I’m trying not to wish time away because there’s a lot I want to see and do in the next 3 months – go to Montreal, Quebec City among others – but at the same time, I want to be there already. I want to start the next stage of my life NOW. I’m impatient that way. And I can’t start it yet. I’m destined to spend 3 months in an iChat relationship and then packing up my life here alone. And that seriously sucks.

So I need a plan. I need a spreadsheet breaking everything down. I need to DO something to put myself back in control.

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When Sorry seems to be, well, the hardest word

July 5, 2009 at 8:06 am (General life, Rants and Vents)
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I’ve had a few experiences lately that make me think that our world no longer likes using the word “sorry”. It seems that taking personal responsibility is a really tough thing for so many people. I think that so many grievances, big and small, could be dealt with by one party or the other actually just said “I’m sorry” or “That was my fault, my bad” but it seems that this little sentence is one of the most dfficult things to say.

The other day I was out having lunch with folks and I ordered an egg salad sandwich. The server was really slow and inattentive and by the time he brought my sandwich, I was just grateful to get some food. Until I took a bit of the sandwich and realised that “hey, this is not egg.” I wasn’t sure what it was exactly but it definitely wasn’t egg. So I called the server over and asked if the sandwich was correct. He disagreed with me and then snatched the plate away. Ten minutes later he brought back my plate, this time with a different sandwich – this one definitely an egg sandwich. At no stage did he apologise or explain. One minute I had one sandwich, the next minute a different one. I had to catch him to explain – it turned out that the first sandwich was a chicken sandwich. A little different from an egg salad one, don’t you think?

I was angry but strangely enough, I was more angry at the fact that he refused to acknowledge that he had made a mistake. I asked for a manager and he didn’t call one. I asked again and even when the manager came by, there was no apology. He did take the meal off the bill but that wasn’t the point – I ate the sandwich, I was prepared to pay for it. All I really wanted to hear was “I’m sorry for the mistake”. Strange?

Then today we were all on the bus and getting off when the door closed on my Mom’s arm – catching it and giving her a huge shock. Now, the doors do not close automatically – the driver has to engage them so obviously the driver wasn’t paying attention. She opened the door again really quickly – but to tell us that it wasn’t her fault. Not that it was my mother’s fault, just that it wasn’t HER fault. No sorry, nothing.

These are just two examples and it confuses me. When did “sorry” fall out of fashion? Is it because people are afraid of litigation? Or are they just incapable of admitting fault, of taking personal responsibility? Or am I just being ridiculous and should I take a chill pill?

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A new discovery

July 4, 2009 at 8:23 am (General life)

I’m not one to post recipes, mainly because all my staples are ridiculously simple and not worth posting about. How do you make a whole post about throwing whatever vegetables you have into a wok and stir-frying with some sauce and maybe some chicken? Or a whole post about “buy Thai seasoning at the supermarket, cover a chicken breast liberally with it and chuck it in the oven for 20 minutes”?

But the last two weeks have shown me that I’m actually not a bad cook at all. Some meals I’ve made recently:

  • Grilled Stuffed Portabello Mushrooms with grains and veggies
  • Fish Tacos
  • Thai Chicken breasts (okay, so sue me)
  • Grilled Salmon with Wine and Herb marinade and brown rice and asparagus
  • Tilapia en Papillon (in baking paper so it steams) with Artichokes, Salsa and lemon

I’d say I’m a pretty adventurous cook, wouldn’t you? I’ve tried new recipes and added some to my favourites list. I’ve thrown out meals that didn’t work (hello asparagus I overcooked last night because I forgot to take them out of the steamer once they were done). I’m yet to actually make them one of my ‘throw everything into the wok’ stir-fries but I think they can miss that one really.

The thing I’ve realised is that I like to cook. I like to make healthy meals that are tasty and different. I like to vary things up. I just need to do it more just for me – I find that the biggest challenge of living alone really. It’s just too easy to throw something together at the last minute and not make it good and healthy – I mean, it’s just for you so why bother? Having my parents over and expecting a sit-down dinner means that it’s more effort for sure, but it’s not that difficult.

Today my Mom and I are making meat balls thanks to the freezer door not closing properly and the ground beef defrosting. This should be a fun cooking-together-in-my-tiny-kitchen experience.

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Operation De-clutter

July 3, 2009 at 10:46 am (General life)
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As I mentioned a few weeks ago, I am a little bit of a hoarder, especially when it comes to cosmetics and generally things that can be found in the hair product and personal grooming aisle at any drug store. You would think that this is a good thing – obviously I don’t smell or shed or generally repel people.

This is true BUT …

It means I have a shitload of stuff. It’s hidden away in cupboards and drawers and really, I don’t need 3 cans of hair spray considering I’m not a beauty pageant queen. So I’ve been embarking on Operation De-clutter, or Operation Give it all away or Use it all up. Operation De-clutter seemed like the shorter and pithier title, don’t you agree?

So far, I’ve managed to give my mother a bottle of shampoo and a bottle of conditioner; a friend got some de-frizz serum and I’ve finished 2 bottles of shampoo on my own (I wash my hair quite a bit – the perils of working out I tell ya – nobody tells you this) and I’ve studiously avoided purchasing new bottles. I’m working through the half-empty bottles I had stored away and realising why I hadn’t finished them in the first place. But I’m not allowed to buy more unless I finish these ones.

I’m also taking my multi-vitimins more often, which is really a health thing but does it count if I’m only doing it to finish the never-ending bottle? Maybe this whole de-cluttering thing could be good for my health!

I was working on getting through the food in the freezer until my parents restocked my fridge/freezer so I’m going to have to start again. And figure out if the ground beef at the back of the freezer actually is ground beef or some other form of possible nutrition.

I know I should go through my makeup and discard some things, especially for health reasons (see? another thing that’s good about decluttering!) but I’m rather attached to my 4 shades of brown eyeshadow. I don’t care that they all look the same! I know I have a problem *hanging head in shame*

I know that I have a lot of work to do in the next 3 months. When I moved over here, I had the benefit of my parents garage and I didn’t have to get rid of everything. True, it’s unlikely I’ll ever want the stuff I’ve left with them (but don’t tell them that) but I know it’s there. Leaving this time is permanent and I have to make some tough decisions. Will someone hold my hand?

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